Laird Hates…

So I have to put this one into context a bit. If you and your family want a dog, or cat, and can’t find what you’re looking for at the pound, you might decide to go to pets unlimited, and buy a dog that fits your household. I can let that go. Well, I can let that go to some degree.

It’s the fucking shit wads that go out and pay ~$1000 dollars for a pure bred dog. Something like a pomerainian, or Shi-tzu or however the fuck you spell it.

Are you fucking mad? It’s not even about the money really..if you’re an arrogant dick who likes to spend wads of cash on the prettiest dog, fine. Society will, and likely has allready,  judged you accordingly, and determined you aren’t likely worth their time.

It’s the hundreds of dogs and cats being put down every day at SPCA’s and Pounds.

While you’re off playing “my dog is prettier than your dog” plenty of fantastic, playful, wholesome dogs, are being put down because there is simply no room for them.

Fuck…Give your $1000 to the SPCA..they can at least put it to some use.

I also feel bad for the $G-Dog. No doubt His owners will pamper the shit out of him (I mean fuck..he’s worth 1000 bucks..that’s alot of pot, porn, and beer. He’d better be pampered). However His lineages constant inbreeding causes the weakest triats of His genus to blossom forth.

Particular Animal breeds are prone to genetic health problems and birth defects. For example, Dalmation dogs are predisposed to deafness, many Boxer dogs have problems with heart disease, and disproportionate numbers of German Shepherd dogs and Siamese cats have an abnormal development of the hip joints known as hip dysplasia.  So when we inbreed them for “purity” we get animals with alot of these traits pushed forward.

Ever hear of Hip Dysplasia? While it sometimes occurs in Humans, it occurs in Large breed dogs at an alarming rate. The defect should only occur in about .01% of all births in these dogs. It’s a crippling disease that causes pain in the hips (obviously) so that many of these dogs can’t use their hind-quarters. they have to “bunny-hop” or drag their asses behind them because their legs don’t work.

Because it is a hereditary condition, and jerkbags breed dogs within their own lineage, it has now become a much more serious condition, affecting about 10% of all pure-bred large breed dogs.

We caused that to happen. We fucked up an entire lineage of dogs because of the demand for Breed purity. We’ve deafened the Dalmations, and given Boxers heart conditions.  People that buy pure bred dogs create this demand.

Go to the pound and get a regular dog like everyone else, you arrogant cocksucker.

Fuck.

As you can see, I haven’t posted anything for a while. That’s because I get exhausted if I walk from the couch to the computer. I actually can’t breath, and I’m coughing so hard I actually damaged one of my eyes.

So I went to the hospital, and the Doctor took some x-rays and such. He tells me my left lung is filled with fluid and bacteria.

Delicious.

Are you fucking kidding me?

What did i do to deserve this? I’m sitting here, at my desk at work, coughing up what feels like wads of flaming thumb tacks. It hurts, I’m miserable, I can’t keep my eyes from leaking slimy tears, and I can’t speak without losing my voice after a few seconds.

So what the fuck is the point? Who made that decision? “it’d be cool if humans could catch cold lol”.

Fuck you.

Anyway, I’m having a hard time getting through this today, so I’ll post something more meaningful later.

I recently bought a house, got a new credit card, and a few other things that require calling “support” or “customer service” to get help.

There’s a few things that piss me off about these places, the primary being the IVR, or the robot that answers your call.

You know, the thing that makes you hear your account balance, your credit limit, your next payment due, and your last payment amount, even though you were calling to change your address. Or making you sit through the plodding narration of several “options”, none of which are what you’re looking for.

You know that if you could talk to a human, you’d have it sorted out much faster, but they know that if you can self-resolve (by listening to information they think you’re calling about), you won’t drop into the queue. If youre not holding in the queue for someone to talk to, then you dont affect their metrics, which are usually based on a SLA (Service Level Agreement). SLA is usually some function of “you must answer 90% of the calls within 30 seconds of dropping in the queue” or the call center get’s penailized by the company who is using them to support their customers.

I know alot about call centers, I’ve been working in them for 12 or so years. Here’s a few tips that can help bulldoze your way through a shitty experience.

-* # 0 9

 
Most IVR’s have a command you can type to get you into the queue without listening to the “options”.  The most common are *, #, 0, or 9. Sometimes they tell you which it is, but not usually until they’ve made you hear every option first. When you call a company, and just want to talk to someone, hit all four(in the order i’ve written them). Ninety percent of the time it’ll get you to the next available operator. If it dosen’t, the worst that can happen is it’ll repeat the options again.

-The Fuck Filter

Many companies use a special widget in their IVR that can detect hostility. If you’re having a particularly frustrating experience, go ahead and Swear loaudly into the phone. If this is a progressive compny that paid for the feature, you may be greeted with ” please hold While we get you to the next available representitive” as soon as you break out a few choice words. “Fuck” is a classic, but you can also be creative. The words need to be recognized curses though. “Cuntface” Will Probably work, but “Dick Eater” might just be some guy named Richard to them.

-Be Agressive, to the point, and not a retard.

When I finally do get to a person, My tone is even, but Stern.  Make sure you have your infomation at the ready, if you have to scramble for account numbers or the like, it makes you look like a tool, and takes the edge off of your request.  Don’t get mad, or irrational that put’s the person you’re talking to on Defense, and they’ll hang up on your ass if you abuse them (they are allowed to do that). 

Don’t waste time explaining your previous dealings where you were wronged, no one cares.  Don’t bore them about how other competitors have been better to you. Tell them what you want and Why.  If you stay firm, and on topic, it unnerves them.  It brings them back to their “why didn’t you love me daddy” place in their head, and they will want you away from their phone (and they’ll do whatever they can to make it happen).

-Ask for the supervisor

If the Shithead you’re talking to can’t give you what you want, they probably aren’t lying.  But if you keep pushing them, they will eventually get backed into the corner, and that puts them on Defense.  Once they’re back is up, you’re basically done.  If youre firm and clear, and the guy says he can’t, he probably can’t.  Ask for his supe.

Sometimes when you ask for a Supervisor, the agent can take that as a slight to His character, and he might get bitchy,  but fuck him, you don’t have to worry about His ego. 

Supervisors worked their whole call center careers clawing their way up the chain to get off the fucking phone.  When one of their minions  say “Supe call!” it turns their stomach.  If they can give you what you’re looking for, they will.  It’s not that the companies load their supervisors up with magic powers, it’s just the supes don’t want to hear your problems. 

Fuck it, it can work in your favor.

-Prepare to Lose

Sometimes, you’re a retard.  Sometimes you’re asking for things that aren’t possible.  Sometimes, no one can go outside of a process to please you. 

The Ticketing systems, etc. that these folks are using are sometimes only able to do certain things, and if you ask for something they can’t do, well…they can’t do it.  No one is going to manually fly to the warehouse in Rhode Isalnd, andpackage a silver coffee spoon for you, and mail it out with a mother’s love  because you thought you might be entitled to a free one.  Yes I know it would look good with your creme and sugar service.

Generally if a Supervisor says it can’t be done, it really can’t.  Like I said, this guy dosen’t want to talk to you, he’d hand deliver the fucking thing to shut you up if he could.  Sometimes your request can’t be filled.  Suck it up. 

With that said, don’t be daunted.  They will be quick to tell you what they CAN do for you.  Take advanatge of that if you can.

Phone support/service can be a shitty experience.  Hope these things help.

Do you have any extra Insights?  leave a comment.

There’s nothing more infuriating than biting into what appears to be a delicious baked treat, and then having the flavour of 1000 assholes flood into your mouth.

What the fuck is with people?

Why would you take something delicious, and fill it with 40,000 maggot carcasses?

Coconut shreads have the consistancy of PVC pipe shavings. They actually squeak when you bite them.

Coconut tastes like a thumbtack to the eye feels. Unpleasant at best.

Why are you people ruining sweets and baked goods by plastering them with this shit?

Stop putting Coconut in everything! It tastes like a basement floor.

Also, whoever created the “Bounty” candybar…Die in a grese fire.

Apple didn’t invent mp3 players. Apple didn’t have anything to do with making .mp3 a standard format. Apple made an mp3 player with an above average interface, and marketed the fuck out of it.

So much so, that when my mom asks to borrow my mp3 player, she asks “can I borrow your iPod?”.

I would never own an iPod. There’s nothing wrong with them per se, they just are too expensive, and far too “in”. I’ve owned an mp3 player for a few years. It’s a cheap one I had imported from China.

It plays .mp3 and .wma, .wav and mwv…even .avi. It has a pretty slick interface with a rocker style toggle (to go left, right, up, and down), and it holds 8 gigs of memory. It was 80 bucks (Canadian bucks in fact).

It doesn’t require iTunes, or any software to move songs onto it. I can take songs (or any other data) from one PC to the next flawlessly, moving data like we were living in a copy-paste environment (imagine).

I’m also much less likely to get mugged for mine…the ear buds are black (white is a clear giveaway), so I can listen to music stealthily while in public.

Mine records voice memo’s, and always had built in speakers, and I bought it about 3 years ago.

Yet when My mom asks to borrow the thing, she says ” Can I borrow your iPod?”

Fuck you mom.

Also, fuck Apple. They took an existing product, built needless limitations into it, bumped the price up by 100 bucks or so, and marketed it so well, that people don’t know that there are non-iPod mp3 players.

I hate iPods.

I also hate Apple products in general, but there will be plenty of time to get into that.